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25 April 2006 @ 06:36 pm
making_amends will continue here

Thanks for reading!
 
 
16 February 2006 @ 11:40 am
It’s not over, till it’s over.Collapse )
 
 
Current Mood: intimidatedintimidated
 
 
26 September 2005 @ 06:44 pm
“I’ll be in the other room if you change your mind about telling me what the hell is wrong.”

With that he was gone and I was all alone. Just like the fucking voices promised, right? Told me that Wes was some kinda loose canon who was either gonna turn my ass in or bail out on me so quick it'd make my head spin. Now I couldn't even remember why I'd asked Watcher Boy to come with me in the first place. Sure, the idea of comin' back to the Dale and facin' up to all my demons was scary as all hell but what was Wes gonna do? Hold my hand? Tell me it's gonna be okay? Maybe I could totally wuss out and just start hidin' behind him. I don't fucking think so.

"See what you made me do." I hissed out at B who was still standin' in the corner lookin' all kinds of smug. Stupid perfect little smile pressed onto her annoying face as she gave me that same look that could mean a thousand different things but pretty much always spelled out I'm better than you will ever be. With a sigh and a roll of her eyes she flopped down on my bed, the same expression never leaving her tanned face.

"I didn't make you do anything, Faith. Will you stop being so melodramatic? I told you not to trust Wes. Why didn't you believe me? Sheesh. Me, Angel, The Mayor- we all tell you the same thing and you don't even listen. Have you changed at all? Because from where I'm laying you seem exactly the same to me. Tell me, are you gonna shoot a poisoned arrow through my new boyfriend? Well, I guess that's sort of moot since I don't have one right now but still...I bet you would if I did."

"I'm not....I'm different now." I exclaimed knowin' just how fucking pointless it was to argue with her. It wasn't even her! Something else. Giles said. It was just hard to think about what Giles had said when it was starin' me right in the fucking face, ya know?

"Yeah. Sure you are, Faith. Either way, aren't you sick of running and hiding? We had a deal, remember?" She rolled over onto my stomach and gave me such a sweet smile I was sure I'd be sick from it.

"I remember."

"Good. Because the sooner you get your little task done? The sooner you can go. You can run away, it's what you're good at right? And no one wants you here. Do this thing for me and I promise we'll leave you alone. Let you live out the rest of your life in juvenile delinquincy or whatever it is that you do for fun."

I nodded at her. Time to do the job. I do the job, I grab Wes and bail right out of town. We could go back to L.A. I guess or...did we even have to go back to L.A.? He didn't seem too keen on the idea of ever seein' Angel again. As much as I'd like to drop a line and go visit the big broody one I knew that I couldn't. Angel'd just wanna take care of me and I'd spent way too long lettin' him do that. Time to figure out who I was without his watchful eyes on my back. I'd call him once we were some place far away. Maybe Mexico? I hear Mexico is nice. Long as Wes didn't wanna head back to the Mother Country. I'm thinkin' England is as boring as listening to Giles and Wes talk for more then fifteen minutes.

It didn't take me long to get back to the school. Buffy's dark lithe form leading the way down the steps into the basement before she disappeared with one whispered "You know what to do." I guess if I didn't know what to do I'd figure it out now, right? Except I did know. Angel whispered it to me at night while I was tryin' to sleep. Had to find the seal. Had to bleed. Then they'd leave me alone and everything'd be fine. I didn't know why I had to be the one to bleed but Angel told me it was important that it was me. Maybe cause I was the slayer. B was the slayer too though, didn't understand why she couldn't bleed. Guess because Buffy couldn't be parted with a few drops of her own precious blood. Nope. They had to take it from Faith. The eternally kicked puppy.

"Not her. Not her. Not her." I heard the chanting as I walked further into the basement and recognized it immediately. Spike. Hidin' away in the shadows cause they were drivin' him crazy too. Dude was a vamp but I was startin' to feel bad for him. Hopin' they'd leave him the hell alone too after I got this job done.

"Not her. It's me, Spike." I said to the darkness and in a second he flew out of the shadows and slammed heavily into me, sending both of us toppling over to the floor. He landed on top of me hard and my eyes widened for a second when I saw the terror in his eyes.

"Bad ... bad ... bad ... no good. Never right, always wrong. Should have saved them." He whispered as he vaulted off of me and headed towards the other side of the basement.

Ummmm. Okay.

Shakin' my head I pulled myself up to my feet and began to cautiously follow him. Wasn't sure what his deal was but last time I was down here he was mutterin' something about bein' a new man. Something else was goin' on with him but I wasn't about to start playin' Psych 101 with a vampire. Bet my prison shrink'd have a ball with him though. I finally caught up with him over the seal, the large star carved and etched into the stone.

"You. It's so cold. Bitter. Have to be alone, doesn't make a bloody difference." Spike muttered to himself as I stood next to him and admired the seal. It captivated me and I couldn't pull my eyes away from it even as Spike kept muttering to himself. There was something about it that I couldn't put my finger on but I knew that I was the key. My blood. It would make this thing...do something. I guess I'd just have to wait and find out. I gasped and jumped back when suddenly Spike was wavin' a knife under my nose.

"You're gonna need this, pet." He said quietly as I snatched the knife from him.

"Fine. Let's just do this." I said runnin' the jagged steel across my palm so hard it made me wince. Holdin' my hand over the seal I squeezed my fingers closed and little droplets of blood began to dot the middle of the seal. As soon as the first drop hit rays of light began to sprout from the edges of the star, until every corner began to fold up. A giant rumbling filled the basement floor causing me and Spike to stagger back.

"What's happening?" I asked him as the final corner folded all of the way back. I'd opened the seal.

"Little girly's in trouble." He whispered to me and just like that he'd disappeared. Run back to the other part of the basement like he was scared of what was happening. Little girly's in trouble? But I'd done what they'd told me to! I'd bled over the seal and now I was done.

I knew that I'd been tricked when Buffy's cold callous laugh began to fill up the entire basement. That was when I noticed it, one long clawed hand scratching for the surface. My eyes widened as I took another step back. Something was clawin' it's way out of hell and it was my fault. I did this. Finally the monster was here and when he stood up and glared down at me I felt my blood run cold. Instinctively I lashed out with the knife slashin' it across his chest. He didn't run. He didn't cry out. He just looked at me for a second before smashing his hand into my face so hard that I went flying across the basement. My back hit the wall so hard I thought I might need a spine realignment after this little fight. Sliding down to the floor I scrambled back up to my feet quickly when the beastie came back towards me.

He looked like a vampire. The ugliest fucking vamp I'd ever seen, some kinda deformed vampire I guess. I had no idea but he hit pretty fucking hard. Pullin' the stake out of my coat I waited for him to make his move and when he went to lung at me I quickly scrambled out of the way and slammed the stake home. With a relieved sigh I fell back against the wall expecting to find a pile of dust at my feet. Instead he just kind of smiled at me and pulled the stake out of his chest. Holy. Fuck. I was breathing so hard I thought I might collapse especially when I found my own stake jammed into my shoulder before gettin' bitchslapped again. My head hit the wall this time and I thought I was gonna pass out before his hand locked around my throat and yanked me off of my feet.

"Just when I think you can't possibly be anymore stupid you go and prove me wrong, Faithy." Buffy smiled at me from behind the uber vamp as I flailed and kicked tryin' to get loose. On a last ditch effort I poked my fingertip into the monster's eyeball hard, feeling eyeball squish around my finger. He screamed and the hold on my throat mercifully loosened as I fell to the floor.

I didn't stop to swap barbs with Buffy, didn't stop to try and fight it again. Now I knew I'd been tricked. I had to run home, get Wes and get the hell out of dodge. It was the only way. I couldn't fight this thing and if B wanted me gone so bad? If she thought she could handle everything on her own? Well, guess what? She just got her wish.

I ran until I thought my lungs would burst and when my hand tried to twist the doorknob on Wesley's room I realized it was locked. Well, no fucking wonder. I'd acted like a total psycho earlier and he was probably a little tweeked out about it.

"WES!" I yelled, bangin' my fists on the door. No idea if the monster had followed me or not but I wasn't willing to take any chances. "Fuck, WES! Let me in! Please!"
 
 
Current Mood: intimidatedintimidated
Current Music: Sometimes- Ours
 
 
28 August 2005 @ 09:57 pm
Madman's ramblin'Collapse )
 
 
Current Mood: cynicalcynical
 
 
Lighting up a cigarette I stood outside Giles' apartment for a little while wonderin' if Wes was gonna ever come outta there. Was too pissed off to stay inside but I thought...I dunno, just figured Wes would be mad too, ya know? B and the gang never bothered to tell either one of us that these guys were just millin' around waitin' to take a stab at every slayer and watcher that came along. Maybe they thought me and Wes didn't count anymore because we were the black sheep. Sure didn't stop the eyeless wonders from almost stabbing me to death. And the First Evil? Could that be a lamer supervillain? I mean serious. First off you got the name The First Evil, not exactly striking terror into my heart. Then it's big fancy trick is walkin' around like dead people, never able to touch anything. How the hell did it expect to win anything if it couldn't fight? All it could do was haunt me and make me crazy. 'Cept I wasn't crazy and I knew I was seein' things the whole time, something was messin' with me. But I could see that look in Wesley's eye, he really thought I was goin' nuts again for a minute there.

"Fuck this." I muttered and started walking away from Giles' door and out beneath the street lamps again. I was free, I was relatively healthy and lookin' for some action. Didn't need to spend any more time locked away in that motel room and if Wes wanted to pal around with the guy who was keepin' secrets from us? That was his deal, not mine. Who could blame the guy? At least Giles hadn't punched Wes in the teeth and told him to get the hell outta town.

"What do you think he's still doing in there anyway?" Angel asked as he suddenly popped up beside me. Just me and Angel walkin' through the darkened streets of Sunnydale, but if anyone else saw us it'd look like I was walkin' alone and talkin' to myself. The First Evil. It couldn't even look like itself.

"Don't really care, and stop pretending- I know what you are now." I said nonchalantly, the glow from my cigarette casting moody shadows across my shirt as I kept walking. I didn't even know where I was going, except...somewhere it felt like I knew exactly where I was goin'.

"I know you do, but seriously Faith. Just because they tell you I'm the one out to get you doesn't mean they're right. They've lied to you before, Giles didn't even bother to tell you about the Bringers. Can you really trust anything they've said to you?"

"Blah blah blah. Wes stole your kid. Yeah, I know. Find a new catch phrase already." I flicked my cigarette right through his form and raised an eyebrow as if to prove my point.

He sighed needlessly as I turned away from him and kept walking. I had a very specific destination, I knew that already. I just had to make it there and find what I was supposed to find. I felt it, ya know? The pull of it on my skin as I got closer and closer to it. It smelled like burnt ash, smelled like death.

"You still know what you have to do. You have to find it. I can take you there."

I stopped short and looked up at him for a long hard minute. "Okay." I agreed letting him take the lead, because we both knew that I would have to find it eventually. Then it was just the two of us again, walking towards Sunnydale High School. The mouth of hell.


I followed Angel down the steps, my boots finally echoing on the concrete floor as I looked around the darkened basement of Sunnydale High School. What was I doing down here anyway? Oh right, I had things to do, Angel told me I had things to do. Even though it wasn't really Angel, Giles would tell me it wasn't, Wesley would tell me it wasn't. I had to find it, Angel told me it was down here. Quietly I walked through the darkened basement searching for the thing that I knew was down here. The seal.

"Do you know where it is?" I asked, tilting my chin to look up at Angel again- but he was gone.

"Tap, tap, tap, said the birdy ..." I narrowed my eyes as a low muttered voice drifted towards me. Who was that? Why did it sound so familiar? "You're not her ... save the girl, kill the girl." Tried to make out a form in the darkness but the voice was coming from one of the darkened corners. Slowly I began to walk towards the sound.

I stopped suddenly when a familiar figure emerged from the shadows and walked out behind a stack of crates.

"Look at you, all shine and light, yet dirty as the bottom of my boot, you are," He glared down at me.

Spike. William the Bloody. What the fuck was he talkin' about? "Umm. What?" I asked him with a raised eyebrow as I made sure to keep my distance. This what happens when you shove a chip in a vamp and neuter him? He goes all kinds of crazy? "What are you doin' down here?" Was he talking to me? Maybe he saw them too.

"Questions floatin' all around here -- no answers, never any answers," He said to me before turnin' his back to me and lookin' around. "Doin' down here? What's to do, what's to see, see everything," He whispered as he turned around and brought his hand up, pointin' at his temple.

"See everything?" I took a tentative step closer to him. Is this what was gonna happen to me if I kept listening to the voices? Would I be like Spike? Hangin' out in the basement of a school and talkin' to invisible people? Hell, I was already doin' that, just in my motel room across town. "What do you see? Who was here?" I took another cautious step and another.

"Everything ... everyone," He said quietly before taking a step back and rippin' his shirt down the middle. My lips fell open in shock. Long jagged scars etched across the flesh over his heart. What had he done? This was what was gonna happen to me? And suddenly the First Evil suddenly took on a horrific meaning to me, despite my earlier decision that it was a wicked lame supervillain. He tried to cut out his own heart. Was I next?

"Can't get it out, won't come out and they're all around, everyone, tellin' me everything and ... " Spike trailed off, lookin' at me with a maniacal grin on his face. "You're here. That's who's here, why are you down here, girl? Not supposed to be, never allowed, only she is."

"I see them too." I said after a minute. "It's not real, they're just ghosts. The First Evil."

Lettin' out a bitter laugh, he took a few steps back, bumpin' into some crates before he finally stopped and looked up at me. "Not real ... not real. All around, don't you get it? Can't escape, they'll keep comin' ... always," He muttered and stood up straight, holdin' onto his head. "Not ghosts, not ghosts, real, all over ... LEAVE!" He finally screamed and pushed himself back behind a crate, sittin' himself down and bringin' his knee's up to his marred chest.

That was all it took, his voice jarring me all the way to my core as I turned on my heels and made a mad dash for the stairs that I'd wandered down behind Angel. I didn't see Angel, I didn't see anything except Spike's torn flesh. Where he'd tried to cut his own heart out as I fled across the front yard of the school, across town until I reached the hotel again.
 
 
Current Mood: shockedshocked
Current Music: Waiting For You- Akira Yamoaka
 
 
 
 
09 May 2005 @ 12:17 pm
Continued from Here

Didn't take Faith long to join me in my room. I had to grin when she made another face when she drank from the bottle again. Really not used to the good alcohol I guess. Though, I doubt you can actually get any good stuff in jail. Especially at her age. Not sure though. Maybe when they catch me I'll have a chance to find out. Wouldn't that be amusing. I bet my father would love to hear that his prodigal son is in jail for breaking out his Slayer. At least it's not kidnapping eh? Chuckling at myself, I sat down on the bed and took another healthy swig. Ah, this really is the better stuff.

"Hmmm?" I frowned at her and then glanced at my shoulder again. I suppose it does look nasty. Those bringers were awfully strong for a couple of blind fellows. Of course that doesn't mean anything. Reminds me a bit of this Vanessa Brewer woman. Dangerous, and easily underestimated. Not by Faith and myself though. We'll think twice when they show up again. But it does look like a nasty cut, and I suppose I should clean it. Wonder if it'll need stitches. Doubt it, there's no blood oozing out.

Taking another swig from the bottle, I shrug at her, biting down on a wince. "I suppose so," I muttered, not actually moving to do so. She kept giving me that strange look and I wondered what the hell she was thinking now. I really can't read that woman sometimes. Maybe she's thinking about Angel. Or maybe she's thinking back further. To that nice, cold apartment where she, I and a kitchen chair had a few appointments with a knife and an impromptu blowtorch.

"What are you sorry for?" I asked her confused when she apologized.
 
 
I stared at the phone for hours. Just sittin' on the end of my bed lookin' at it. How easy it would be to just pick up the phone, dial Soul Boy and tell him to come pick me up. It was instinct, and that was the thing that killed me. My whole life I only got me, right? So who do I run to when shit gets bad? Well, no one. Only got myself to count on and that was it. Then he had to go and change it all on me. Right when I hit the bottom so hard I was sure I'd never get the taste of gravel out of my mouth, he just had to save me. Crying in his arms in a rainy alley, pouring my heart out when I was sure that it was dead. That I was dead. Now my first instinct was to run to Angel, which was probably wicked stupid for way more reasons than I could even list off.

So in the end I didn't make the phone call. Almost kicked myself for it, but Angel had other things to worry about. His son, and whatever crap was goin' on in L.A. Besides, I couldn't shake the disappointment that Wes had brought up. Why wasn't he here already? He shoulda already found out that I'd been sprung, wouldn't Sunnydale be the first place to look for me? He was just busy, he had....stuff, important stuff. What the hell do I matter in the grand scheme of things anyway, right? Long as the true slayer's intact.

I couldn't sit in the hotel room much longer or I was likely to go crazy crazier. Sittin' in front of the tube and watchin' Montell loses it's appeal after about the third paternity test. I was anxious, itchin' for something...maybe a fight. Hadn't actually slayed anything since I'd been busted out of prison. Course that was mostly due to the sucking stab wound, but I was all healed up now. Time to get out there and do what I do. Slay. Been so long since I been in a fight I gotta wonder if I even can slay anymore. It was what I was built for, I had to still know how to do it. Like ridin' a biker.

Hiding in a hotel room, scared that I'd start flippin' out and imagining dead people again. What the hell was wrong with me? This wasn't me, it just wasn't. Sure, I'd spent a few years hidin' away in a room surrounded by bars, caged in like an animal. But I hadn't been hiding, right? I wasn't sure, and I didn't have any of the answers. That old familiar feeling of losing control was fresh and made my blood run hot and hard in my veins. Pounding. Maybe that was my head from when I'd smashed into the wall earlier. Damn. Hadn't even gotten into a quality fight yet and I'd already gotten stabbed, punched, and smacked my head into a wall. Almost made me miss prison. Naw. Nothin' made me miss prison.

Grabbing a stake, I put it in my jacket pocket before headin' straight for the door. I started walking away from my door, before I stopped and turned back. Wait. I should tell Wes where I was goin'. Why did I suddenly feel like he was my keeper or something? Was it cause I owed him? Well, I did. No way 'round that little kink. Maybe it was cause he'd helped me after those Bringers stabbed me. He didn't have to, he coulda just left me there to rot but he didn't. Took me home and patched me up like a good little watcher. Maybe it was something else, I dunno. Never was any good at figuring out my own intentions. Mostly I was a creature of instinct, heart and blood and gore makin' my brain switch to off.

Walking up to his door, I hesitated for a second. Maybe he was freaked out, and I wouldn't really blame him. I totally lost my shit there for a little while. It was still all confusing, because I could feel it and see it so fucking clearly.

"We can't trust anyone, Faith. It's just you and me now."

My hand paused over the wooden door, the memory so fresh in my mind. It was so unmistakeably him but when I woke up....he said it wasn't. It was different, pale eyes full of regret. That look was so genuine that it made me even more confused and now? Now I had no idea what to think. There was one theme to all of this, the only one I could think of. Angel, The Mayor, Wes. They'd all gone on about trust, about how I couldn't trust anyone. Time to step back into that old philosophy. Only got me to count on. I'd let 'want take have' stay buried where it belonged.

Finally I sighed and knocked on the door.
 
 
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Haunted- Poe
 
 
After Wes left to go do whatever it was he was gonna do, I curled up underneath the scratchy comforter. The glow of the television cast shadows around the room and I couldn't but feel a little comforted. Nothin' like a trashy dive of a motel room to make a girl feel right at home. I wasn't even sure what was on TV, some old Western. Man, why couldn't life be like old movies? The black hats were always wicked badass and the white hats were always really good. What about the grey hats? How come they never got their props? How come John Wayne never fucked up and accidently killed someone? Even if he did, I bet his white hat cowboy pals wouldn't all turn their backs on him. Not that I was bitter or anything.

Things were so easy in prison, ya know? You knew exactly who had your back (nobody) and you knew exactly who wanted to either kick or tap your ass (everbody). All black and white, clear lines. The guards? They were a little more on the grey side, but I tried not to think about them. Out here? Everything was grey and nothing made sense. B didn't get that, little Miss tightly wound needed to be in control of everything all the time. She didn't know what it was like to feel the rug pulled out from under your feet. Tryin' to get a handle on things and it all just slipped away.

Idly I reached up with a hand and gently rubbed the bruise still tender on my jaw. So yeah, my little run in with big sister slayer? Not exactly surprising. I kinda figured that B wouldn't be jumpin' for joy on account of my untimely release from the joint. I was ready for it, prepared to deal with it. But what I hadn't expected? To be the one that sees dead people. For real, crappy Bruce Willis movies aside? I was startin' to think I was crackin' up or something. Again. It felt different this time though. The last time I'd been so full of rage I couldn't contain it anymore. Like a walking time bomb ready to explode in any direction. Last time I'd been on the less sane side of things but I definitely hadn't talked to dead people. No, this was something new. Something different and it was scaring the shit out of me.

I wasn't the only one who was scared either. I'd seen that look flicker across Wesley's eyes. So familiar and it made me think of sharp, hot, blunt, cold and loud. Wondered if that was how he saw me, how he'd always see me. Wes was the most puzzling part of the entire thing. Why? Why had he bailed me out, helped me escape, patched me up good as new? Why? He was probably kickin' himself in the ass right about now for not leavin' me to die. I wasn't sure that I blamed him, I'd be kickin' myself too if I was him.

I felt so fucking stupid, hiding in a dark little motel room. Curled up under the covers, scared of ghosts and eyeless monsters. I was way too strong for that and I'd already spent too long hiding away from the world. Still would be hidin' if it hadn't been for those bringers. Actually, I'd be dead if it wasn't for Wesley. Funny how fate just reaches right out and bitchslaps ya sometimes.

"Faith, I'm just worried about you, is all. Don't be so angry. Can't I worry about you? I don't want to see you get hurt with him. Wesley's unstable. You can't trust him."

Angel's words still echoed in my head everytime I tried to close my eyes and shut him out. Couldn't trust Wes, well no shit. I'd learned a long time ago that you couldn't trust anything but yourself. All I could count on was me, and well Angel. Almost made me wanna call up Soul Boy for real, hear his voice. Make him tell me that everything was gonna be okay, that I was gonna be just fine. I didn't call though, I didn't do anything. Wasn't sure how to handle that situation yet, but I knew I'd have to eventually. Wouldn't be that long til he found out that I got sprung. Maybe I wanted to see if he'd come lookin' for me. Maybe he'd think I was betraying him by hangin' with Wesley. That thought hadn't really crossed my mind yet, but it wasn't like Angel was there when I was gettin' stabbed by Bringers. He didn't get to save me this time, and that was the kinda thing to give the big broody brat a complex. Didn't wanna deal with that just yet. Already had so much to figure out.

The sound of gunfire filled the room from the television and I immediately reached for the remote and clicked it off. A deafening silence erupted and it was almost worse then the movie I'd just had on. Needed to clear my head, needed to...something. Probably should go out and find something to beat down. Now I could, now I didn't have to contain it, myself, whatever. Self-control was the name of the game and I was gettin' pretty damn good at it. Couple years of practice and it never got any easier, just became a thing. My thing. Couldn't just go out there and pick a fight with the first vamp I found, even though it was wicked tempting. 'Sides, I didn't wanna risk runnin' into Angel or the Mayor again. Least my fucked up imaginary versions of them.

Getting up I walked into the bathroom and flipped on the light switch. Harsh fluroscent light flooded the room and I frowned at my reflection. Big purple bruise on my jaw. Thanks a lot B, I'll be sure to treasure this little parting gift. Bitch. Shaking my head, I turned away from the mirror and starting sifting through my duffel bag. Hidden away inside, I finally found the pack of Marlb's I'd been lookin' for. Taking one out of the pack I lit it up, and took a deep drag. Already feelin' better. Zipping my duffel back up I turned around to walk back out of the bathroom and stopped short when I saw Wesley in the doorway.

"Damn dude! You were a watcher! Didn't they teach you not to sneak up on slayers?"
 
 
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
Current Music: Your Ex-Lover is Dead- Stars
 
 
04 April 2005 @ 07:55 am
Hello Again.Collapse )
 
 
Current Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable